A MATTER OF WEIGHT.

Sometimes I wish my brain would go on vacation. I know, my brain is a beautiful mess.

Two weeks ago I had dinner with Pz, Tito and Monsieur Pont. For now on, I will call us the Gab squad (geeky and fabulous). I know, it’s a stretch to call us that. We’re barely geeky. Ok, PZ is, a lot. Two years ago I gave him a Dexter-shaped Piñata for his birthday because he looks just like him. Yes, he is that geeky. Tito is young so that makes him sort of fabulous in a geeky sort of way. Mr. Pont is tall and slender, that’s fabulous, but he likes comics too much. And me, the film buff, and that’s abs fab. Ok, I just wanted a quick way to say that I had dinner with Pz, Tito and Mr. Pont.

Afterwards, Pont took me home, and when we arrived there, we stayed in his car chatting. We talked of various things, but we ended up talking of self-image. How do I perceive myself and how does my self-image has disabled me for a new relationship, and how it helped to fail the last one…

This is how I started writing this post. In it, I was going to discuss the fact that I considered that I’m invisible in clubs, that I do not have a serious relationship and that the only people who dare to approach me are one way or the other unable to start a relationship with me. Also, I was going to analyze how the fact that my self image is devaluated has disabled me to look for a significant other. I was going to say that, since I don’t like the way I look, nobody that I would consider interesting enough might consider me boyfriend material. Well, DUHH!! It’s not that I’m sabotaging myself; I’m not just trying, not doing anything.

You see, I’m fat. You can sugar coat it, full figure, husky, big and lovable, you name it, but the fact remains, I’m fat. And I don’t like to be that way. Is not like I’m morbidly huge, although some people can argue that, and to those I say “Go sodomize yourselves”. I’m 5’8” and I weight 235 pounds, is not that much. I wear size 38 pants. I could use a size 34, but I don’t like to wear my pants on my balls. I wear size XL shirts, because I like to be comfortable and a little loose. As you can see, I’m not that weird or horrible or anything to hide in the cellar. Well, maybe some days.

The point is that, a lot of my neurosis and shortcomings come from this little fact, and, what I was going to do on this post was to bitch about it. I was only going to perpetuate the state I’m in by victimizing myself because I’m invisible to others when I go to clubs, because people do not look at me when I go out and because I cannot find a single respectable guy to start dating. Well, too bad. At the end, I decided not to write it, to leave it like that.

This week I had a chat with Pz. I invited myself to dinner with him, and when he asked me how I was doing, I told him of this post, what was my intention and why did I decided not to write about it. After listening to me, he told me “write it, but instead of these complains, write of the conclusions that you arrived at”.

So that’s why I’m writing this. Finally, I came to these conclusions:
Yes, I’m fat, because I want to be fat. Nobody but me put me in this position, nobody but me will take me out of it. So I better start doing something, because is true, I do not like to be a bear, I want to be a chaser.
I’m single because I want to, because I’m still afraid of letting my guard down with a man in a relationship-like environment. Also, I feel threatened if they show too much interest right away. I know, to little I don’t like, too much, I run the other way. It has to be enough.
I’m “invisible” in clubs because I want to. Of course, how the hell this huge piece of man can be invisible? You might ask, remember, 5’8”, 235 lbs. Is just that I don’t make eye contact and keep myself guarded with my body language. Since I feel inadequate, I don put myself out there. It’s my responsibility

I did not want to write this post because, after a great deal of mind blowing hours I came up with these three facts, and saying anything different seemed superfluous and false. This is the reality, my reality, so any intent to sugar coat it for me, at the end, felt wrong. I thank Pz for his words of encouragement, ant to make me realize that to write this is a way to confront me with my neurosis and my shortcomings. After all, I’m human and my duty is to grow and evolve and I believe that this is a good exercise to achieve this. Now, the only thing I have to do is get on a diet, start exercising or both. But man, that is sooo tiring, maybe I just accept the fact that I’m round and full of life and look for a handsome chaser or bear who happens to love chubby bears.